Because….

So Finn touched on sort of this subject yesterday here. Let me just say if you haven’t read it, do it! She has such a way with words.  And she sort of has a different take on this.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a cardiologist. My reasoning was simple, I wanted to be a heart doctor because I wanted to find out what it was that caused my father’s heart to be bad. I wanted to figure out how to fix it. I was dead set on this from 4th Grade to 12th Grade. I got a little encouragement from my dad but that was mostly it. Then let’s keep it real here,  I couldn’t deal with the sight of blood.  So I decided that I would do something “safe”.

I would become a teacher. Well, that lasted for about a year in college. I had the idea after that of majoring in Criminal Justice. Then life set in and I had to stop school, take care of dad and get a job. I flitted around with various things and then he passed. So, I moved to Louisiana. I got a job in insurance, which I had a little experience. And I gained a whole lot of experience.

I got a designation in my field and want to get a couple of more. I got my license too. So here I am in a field that is so not what I would have thought I would ever be in. But I am. I was okay with the agency side of life, working directly with the customers and working with the companies. But I had a longing to work on the company side. To be in underwriting. I would have never had that opportunity had I not moved to Ca. But, I applied for the company side and the job that I wanted to start with, it came through yesterday.

Granted it’s not in the ocean marine side of the board, it’s not in the inland marine side, but it’s with moving and trucking companies, something I am very familiar with. So all is not lost. It’s underwriting and I’m excited about that. It’s the chance to have that career that I wanted and be a big girl.

I know it’s nothing like what I had dreamed of when I was little but then again what ever is? Had we had enough money, had I had more encouragement, had I had {insert what else I could have had}  maybe it would have been different. Now, it is what it is.

I can have regrets all day long but when it comes down to it, I’m not wasting my time anymore on regrets. I’m done with them. My life is too short.

Because I am doing what I want to do. Because I can do what I want to do. Because I refuse to spend a moment longer on what could have been if it had been different. Because I am taking a stand for myself.

Just Believe

So rarely do we have those “epiphanies” on the poetic moments we’re “supposed” have them at. Mine always seem to come when I least expect it. I was looking at my new Redbook that came into today and I flipped to the back where it has the “You Know You’re a Grown Up When…” One of them said “You’ve finally figured out that if you don’t believe in yourself, no one will.” Somewhere deep down inside this just clicked.

Dirk and I have always tried to have the motto of “Just Believe”. For a gift one year, mom even gave me this mirror hanger thing that is sitting on top of our back door that says Believe. And I had to sit there and think to myself for a minute.

It seems like I’ve always been waiting for someone to believe in me and what I can do. That I was holding myself back from doing something simply because I didn’t believe I could do it. Well, if I don’t believe I can, how can I expect someone else to believe that I can?? I have to have that confidence, that belief in myself that I can do it before anyone else can. It seems I’m always at a stand still at something. If it’s not the eternal quest to be a smaller version of me, then it’s my writing, or it’s my something.

I KNOW I can do it. I’ve basically taught myself to scrapbook, I’ve started this undertaking of my 101 in 1001. I’ve gotten a designation in my workfield, not because anyone told me I had to do it. Because I wanted to do it. Even when it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, I still pushed myself to do it. I look back at the times where I’ve started my quest for a smaller self (notice I will not call it a diet), and I was quite successful, losing 40 pounds, but then I stall or quit for whatever reason.

Why?

Because I haven’t believed in myself or had the confidence to believe in myself to do it. So where does one go from this point? Admiting it is the first step to correcting it right? I know there is not an overnight cure for it.

So I’m taking it, my first step to believing in myself and having that confidence in me so that I can ultimately be secure with myself no matter who I am, what I look like or what size I am. One day at a time.

Why?

Because I’m unique, because I’m me and because I don’t have to be a mold of anyone. They broke my mold when they made me.

Right? Right!