Discovering Donna


Dear Daddy,

Posted in 101,Daddy by Donna on December 27, 2008
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I’ve been putting this off for a while now. You know I put it on my list of things to do that I wanted to write you this letter. I thought about putting it in a bottle and setting it out to sea. You know, kill two birds with one stone. But each time, I’ve decided against it. I thought about writing it and then taking with me when I got your stone mounted and then burning it and putting the ashes across your small plot between the girls. I’ve thought of a ton of ways to send this. But I know no matter what, no matter how I do this, you are going to see it. Maybe this will help someone who I am thinking of be able to sit down and write her father a much needed letter and get some things off her chest. Goodness knows we can both benefit from getting somethings off our chests.

I miss you. I’m sure that you know that. I’m sure you can see from where you are that I have missed you every day for the last almost 6 years now. Remember all those opinions you always gave so freely that I didn’t always listen to? They would have come in handy. But I hope you are proud. I hope I’ve at least turned out a little bit better than you hoped. I hope you know that the time you were sick and my being there to help take care of you that I don’t regret it. I certainly wish things could have been different. But you know, Robert Dale and I had the conversation that knowing what I know would I really consider going back and changing things. The answer is the same as it was the night of your viewing.

No I wouldn’t. It all would have lead to the same ending, your passing, but just in a different way. I know it was your time. I know you accomplished all you had meant to do. It still doesn’t help.

I know you wanted Kenny and Larry and I to be closer but it wasn’t possible. I don’t think they cared enough and after having my issues with it, I’m almost at ok with it. I regret that they can’t see me know, they can’t know their baby sister because of their own issues. Well, you know Larry passed. So it’s just me and Kenny now. I haven’t heard from him since we wrote me that letter trying to get the guitar. His loss.

It’s certainly different now. I did get to move to Shreveport. Something you had always wanted to do. 5 really awesome years. Mavis and Pappy adopted me and they’re wonderful, but I think you knew that. I got married, well you know that. We have our ups and downs but we’re making it right now. We moved to California and it’s been an adventure for the most part. I think we’re going to be fine once we get through some issues. But we’re working on that.

I’ve decided to start working on my writing. Not sure where it’s going to go. But I’ve also discovered a creative side that I didn’t know existed. I’ve been having fun with that. I even managed to make you a scrapbook. Now did you think I’d ever be that creative??? Not I.

Everyone is doing good for the most part. Lori has a baby now and Daniel has one on the way. Maybe once I lose some of this weight, things will work out for us and we’ll end up having one. Life goes on right?

It doesn’t diminish the fact that I miss you and love you. I always wonder if you are proud of the woman I’ve become. I struggled for the longest time with a huge hole trying to figure out if I told you I loved you that last night. I was so proud of the fact that you were on the couch and not in that bed that I couldn’t remember. Thanks for letting me know. You have no idea how much that meant to me that you could let me know that I did tell you I love you.

I’m droning on I know. I can’t help it. I could go for ages and ages on stuff after all it’s been 6 years. But I’m not going to. I just wanted you to know a few things and get a few things off my chest.

I know we didn’t have the greatest relationship, but at least we loved each other and we knew that. I couldn’t help feeling good when you told everyone that I was the child that helped take care of you. I was proud that you were proud. Maybe that’s your legacy. I know in some little way that I did make you proud. Granted we all have our share of mistakes but that’s just another chance to learn it and do it right huh?!

Ok, I’m signing off. My broken ankle is swollen and pushing on this post it yellow cast. (you like the color huh??) You’re stubborn and pigheaded child is giving them hell for this broken ankle. But you wouldn’t expect anything less would you? I mean I did get the stubborn and pigheadedness from you. Well you and mamaw. Guess it just runs on that side right?

Oh well, I love and miss you (I can’t say that enough) and know that we’ll talk again. I’m sure I’ll end up writing another letter before it’s over with.

Until then,

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2 Responses to 'Dear Daddy,'

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  1. appledork said,

    This is such a heart-warming letter. I understand your relationship with your dad but my only difference is that I am still living with mine and he still seems like he is a million miles away. We go through our disagreements and such but in the end we both are willing to work things out because the reality is no matter how much we differ in our views (I’m a super liberal woman who is totally contemporary while he is a traditional man who is very old fashioned), we still love each other enough to keep both of us alive.

  2. LarryLily said,

    Saw your blog, and have a thought about the ankle.

    I didnt read HOW you broke it, except i bet it started with the famous line…’Hey ya all, get a load of this chit”

    But if it didnt remember this. i broke mine in HS, sophomore year, when i stepped on a football in practice. yeah, I would have been better off saying “Hey ya all get a load of this chit”, but I didnt, and it was broken. Good and busted.

    The ortho set it the next day and told me use the crutches for 6 weeks, religiously. yeah doc, right. So I started to feel no pain after a week, started to use it a step here, a step there, maybe two or three in the kitchen, the boys room, it didnt hurt, right?

    Then 6 weeks later go back, the bottom of the cast under the ball of the foot to the toes was crumbled, no plaster left, just dingy gauze. He cuts off the cast, takes an Xray, and whipsers to his Camp Nurse, Hilda. I am sure she was a german guard in WWII. Anyway, as he is looking at my ankle, sort of moving his hands over it, like massaging a supple breast gently as I am sitting upright on the table, foot out stretched, Hilda gets behind me then as if on cue, she suddenly comes up from behind and gives me a bear hug hold, just as he takes his big hands (ortho docs are not diminutive people for a reason) and he snaps the ankle. Next thing i know i am waking up to smelling salts and feel the heat from the plaster on my newly broken ankle. yep, he had to reset the ankle, it was F’d up because i walked on it too soon. When i went back SIX WEEKS later, you could have eaten off that sucker, it was whiter than new snow.

    So do what he says, or else. they dont take prisoners there.

    Have a great time!


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