Discovering Donna


Does it ever really go away?

Posted in Daddy by Donna on February 26, 2009

pondsizedSo earlier in the week, Monday to be exact, we had an anniversary of sorts.  It was a year since Gram had passed.  Before that, in November, my best friend JoAnn had her one year anniversary since her father passed.  Today is the 6 year anniversary since my father passed.  They are all very different in circumstances.  Gram had cancer, Jo’s dad passed suddenly and the true circumstances of everything leading up to it won’t be known I’m sure.  Daddy was in bad health, had always been in bad health.

They are all sad and tragic losses that we most certainly could have gone a few more years without.  But they all had lessons in them.  What they are, what they might be, they are private.  Intended only for those they are meant.  I’ve a always wondered does it get easier?  Does the sense of loss go away, do we hurt less?  It does get easier, in a sense.  The extreme heartbrokenness is gone.  There is just a saddness that lingers.  The sense of loss is always there and althought I don’t cry every time I think about my father’s passing, I still feel the loss and do cry and privately mourn those special days.

I’m speaking from the experience of losing my father.  I didn’t know Jo’s dad except what she told me about him.  Gram was special but at the time, we were living 2500 miles away and weren’t here for everything.  We were here to say our goodbyes about a month before she passed.  The few times that we say her, were special in their own right.  I wish I could have been around her more.  I love and cherish all those few moments that we had.

But my dad is different.  I guess that’s because I lived it.  I was there.  I took care of him as best I could.  I never wanted to think in terms of him dying even though he told me it would happen.  I don’t think we ever thought that it would happen when it did.  It was a shock.  I won’t go into details.  Not here.  But I’m not afraid to vent my feelings.  Maybe this is my way dealing with it.

I’m sad that he didn’t make it 5 more years to see me get married.  I’m sad that he’s not going to be around when I have a child.  I’m sad that he didn’t get to see a lot of things that he wanted to see.  I’m sad that he didn’t get to do a lot of things he wanted.  We had our moments just like any other father /daughter do.  That’s no secret.  But I loved him and he loved me.

I’m mad when I think about my brother(s).  It was two at the time.  How I called to ask for help and was told that it was putting an inconvience on them.  How petty they were.  I know it’s ugly to say this, but I hope they feel remorse for the rest of their lives.  Well life.  Larry passed away a year ago.  I won’t go there.  I’ve tried to make my peace with the situation, if not the people.  I’ve tried to deal with the fact that they came because they thought daddy would leave them money.  I’ve tried to deal with the fact that my brother is so pissed that daddy left me the guitar that he cherished and prized.  I’ve tried to deal with the fact that my brothers forgot about me and didn’t bother trying to get in contact with me for well over 5 years.  And then it was only to say he wanted the guitar and he was upset because I didn’t contact him.  WTF?  That works both ways.  If you wanted to find out, why didn’t you call?

I know I have my own issues to work out and I haven’t dealt with some of them.  I know it.  I scold myself for being such a ‘fraidy cat at dealing with them.  Pushing them aside so that I don’t have to think about them or deal with them.  I have some of the same issues with my mom.  It’s been 29 years since I’ve seen my mom.  But that’s another story for another time.

Does IT ever really go away?  What exactly is IT?  What am I looking for?  What am I trying to grasp at?  What am I trying to deal with?  And who determines what IT is?

I just know today, I’m sad.  Today I remember.  Today I am missing my father.  Today I am missing moments like this……

daddysized

Happy Fat Tuesday

Posted in Life by Donna on February 24, 2009
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mardi_gras_graphics_02It’s days like today that I really miss home.  It’s not like I would be that close to all the celebrations but home was a lot closer.  The king cakes, the crawfish, the jambalya, the dirty rice, coffee with chicory.  All the good things from home.  Sure we had our own Krewes and celebrations but it’s just not the same here.

I went down there one year and every since then I’ve wanted to go back.  I really want to go to the Fat Tuesday parades.  I want to go back.  Days like this I miss home.

Flat Alyssa

Posted in random by Donna on February 22, 2009
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So if you look over at my links, and I think I’ve mentioned it several times, you will find a blog called Nenni’s World.  Well she’s helping out a child in Colorado who  is sending Flat Alyssa through the mail to learn about other areas and other people. But there was just one hitch!  The little girls relatives all live in her area and now they really have nowhere to send Flat Alyssa. As a result, Jennifer over at Nenni’s World has asked us to blog about our areas and then she is going to give the information to Flat Alyssa as part of her visit with her. I know it’s a bit of rambling and sorry if it’s not really coherent.  But you can always visit Jennifer’s site Nenni’s World for a better explanation.  And as if you didn’t know that much about me already, maybe this will help!

Dear Flat Alyssa,

I’m Donna and I live in Sierra Madre, CA.  I moved here from my home state of Louisiana.  I tought I’d share some about that state and the state that I went to school in called Alabama.  Where I lived in Louisiana was a town called Bossier City.  My apartment was right outside of Barksdale Air Force Base.  It’s a very flat area and very loud at times with the planes.  It was a very popular area for gambling as we had several casinos in the area.  The weather is mostly hot in the summer with a high humidity which made it sticky and really hot.  It’s very different from the dry heat in California.  I went to school in Alabama and the weather is pretty much the same.  Winter’s cold and summer’s super hot.  It wasn’t very different from Louisiana except it was a college town.  You know, centered around the University that was located there.  I very much preferred Louisiana over Alabama.

As for me, I’m Donna.  I’m 33 and married to my hubby D.  We’ll be married for two years in October.  We have a Boston Terrier who is 3.  I love to blog.  And read, and write, and scrapbook, and my most recent love is photography, but I haven’t gotten to do much lately.  For the first in 33 years, I broke my ankle this past December.  But now I’m walking again, and out looking for a job.  My favorite colors are pink, yellow and brown.

Good luck on your travels, we all want to hear how they turn out!

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The Grudges of Our Youth

Posted in Life by Donna on February 19, 2009
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Ahhh such a deep subject huh?  I’ve been sort of stewing on this topic for a couple of days now.  You remember those days?  When we carried grudges because we were young and stupid and had nothing better to do?  Because we thought that was the world at the time and we could get pissed off and stay pissed off just because we wanted to.  When Sally told Betsy Jo that Tommy liked her best friend Karen and Sally really did it to be a bitch?  Sally would get pissed off at Betsy Jo and carry that grudge for the rest of the school year?  Ahhh the days of our youth.

I come from a small town if you didn’t already know that.  Very small.  In Alabama none the less.  Know what that means?  There is maybe 2 stop lights, a Hardees, a McDonalds, a Piggy Wiggly or two and a Walmart but not a super walmart.  The only thing to do on Friday and Saturday nights is ride around town and hang out in the parking lot of Hardees?  Yeah.  One of those towns.  And I kid you not, that’s what most of the kids did.  I was different.  I had a strict father who didn’t let me do those things.  So I stayed home most times on the weekend and had my nose in a book or two.  That was my life.  But living in a small town, when you sneeze, before you can finish, the whole town knows you sneezed.

And that’s how gossip starts.  I was never Miss Personality.  I admit it.  I was a bit closed off.  I had a close circle of friends that was limited.  It was hard for me to let anyone in.  Sometimes, today it still is.  So I wasn’t in the popular circle.  I used to hate that.  I used to feel bad because I wasn’t in the popular circle.  But that’s life.  We all can’t be there, as much as we would like for it to be true.  But it’s okay.  We all go through what we do for a reason.

But as life happens, so does this funny thing.  We grow up.  Well, let me rephrase that, we mature.  We learn what truely is petty and what isn’t.  We learn that oh well, that’s life and we learn the fabulous art of letting go.  At least some of us do.  We get to a point where we can’t even remember why we were mad at someone.  We chalk it up to youth and stupidity.  Those that we were mad at we reconnect with year later and can’t remember what started it.  So we apologize for what ever it was and move on.  Because somewhere down the line, that person was important to us.  Even if it was just as a lesson in life, good, bad, ugly or pretty.

But when does it become too much of a grudge?  Why are there somethings that we can’t let go of? Even 15, 20 years later?  This is something that I’m struggeling with.  I’ve reconnected with a lot of old school mates on Facebook.  Now some of them I didn’t get a long with.  But some I did.  Some we didn’t have the best relationship, more like a strained friendship.  But bygones are bygones.  Apologies later and that friendship is being reestablished.  But others have a problem letting go.  Why?  Why hold onto something so petty for so many years and use so much negitive energy?

I just have a problem with this.  When is it not too much to hold on to that grudge?  Why do you hold on to it for so long?

Better yet, get inspired……

Posted in 101,109 in 2009,changes,List,List of changes,My Life by Donna on February 18, 2009

I haven’t felt like posting or reading or doing much truth be told for about a week now.  I somehow got a miserable cold that kept me in bed most of the time and am starting to feel human again.  Well yesterday I started feeling better.  Today, much better.  I have managed to keep on trucking, looking for a job though.  I submitted my resume to several places and got a hit today from Craig’s list!  It’s for an electrical office and I’m not going to complain.  It’s right down the street and that’s a good sign.  The pay is pretty decent.  And I can pick up things like THAT so I don’t think it will be an issue.  Ya know!?  I have an interview today and I have a good feeling about it.  The owner has a 4 year old dog that is always in the office so how can that be bad?  I don’t think that it can.

It’s not in insurance, which, I don’t know if I’m going to complain or not.  Insurance jobs are hard to get around here.  I’ve wanted out of insurance to do other stuff and maybe this is that way.  Who knows!?

But anyways.  Hey while you are at it and you’re here, if you look at my 101 you’ll see some Major and I do mean major changes!  You’ll see that the second list is now gone and some from that list have made it to the 101 list.  You know why?  Another spurt of creativity.  I decided that this may be a short term bucket list, but I wanted a long term bucket list.  So I made one.  I don’t have it up anywhere, I’ve only taken a few things from my 101 and my 109 and put them on it.  This is a whole other thing.

Not sure where the inspiration came from, but I’m taking it and running.  Today is going to be a great day!

Now don’t forget to leave a comment and let me know you were here!  I love comments!

I Admit It

Posted in Life by Donna on February 13, 2009
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Blogging has not been in in the forefront of my mind lately.  I’ve done it a few times this month but it just has been a priority.  I haven’t once written about the Feb. Topic for NaBloPoMo either.  Shame on me.  I had a couple of days this week where I was so cold I couldn’t get comfortable.  Then yesterday morning I woke up sick and miserable.  I spent a good part of the day yesterday and today in the bed.  I don’t think it’s the flu but whatever it is, it’s knocked me on my rear end.  I had to struggle to meet with the adjuster yesterday about my foot.  The good news on that is we’ll have a decision in a couple of weeks on what the city is going to do.  I just hope it’s something good.

So that’s what’s going on in our world.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Hope everyone is doing ok.

Bono

Posted in Books by Donna on February 12, 2009
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This is the latest book that I’ve read.  It’s called Bono in Conversation with Michka Assays.  Assays is a music reporter who has been friends with the band since back in the day.  Before they were the Mega Group they are.  Before Bono was the man that he is today.  I found this book at the library and it caught my eye.  It’s a different type of memoirs.  It’s Bono in his own words.  Now I’ll admit, I’ve been a U2 fan since back in Junior high, yeah that dates me right there huh?  But they weren’t a favorite group.  With all the press that Bono’s gotten lately, I thought it would be interesting to see what he had to say.

I didn’t think it would be possible to say that I’m an even bigger fan of his now than I was.  His mindset is amazing and everything that he overcame is amazing.  I don’t think I could put everything into words at this point.  I just want to point out a couple of things from the book that really made me go huh.

Page 95 Assayas asked the question “How do you find your way through the darkness?  I guess, just like anyone, you stumble from time to time.  Bono replies with a simple “I try to make the light brighter” He was asked to give an example and he relates a story that Harry Belafonte once told him regarding Bobby Kennedy and Dr. King.  I won’t go into the whole story but at the end, Bono simply says “He knew there must be something positive.  And if it was there, somebody could find it.

Where there is a will there is a way right?

Then he really get’s me and I know this is so minor but it’s a snagging point for me.  Assayas is asking him his favorite song in various genres.  They get to favorite religious song and Bono’s response is “Amazing Grace”.

And lastly, at the end of the conversation he’s asked if there is anything that has been revealed to him for the first time in all their conversations.  Bono pondered it and replied with what is a great quote, “A life unquestioned is not one you should envy.”

There are so many great stories.  From Bono about his childhood after his mother passed to the beginnings of the band.  It’s just a really great book about a really great person.  I’m glad I read it.

Bono

Direction

Posted in Life by Donna on February 11, 2009
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In the usual routine for the day lately. Get up, have some coffee, make the bed, check out the blogs, email, facebook, and a few other sites and then off to job hunting. And I have to admit, I’m more than a little conflicted about this. The hubby is lucky and has his own business. Although it’s just starting up, he’s getting some business and even as I type this he is out in the world, working.

And I’m a little jealous.

Of which part, I’m not sure. I think part of it is that he’s actually working and part of it is he owns his own business. As I look over my bucket list, I see things that could potentially if I’m successful at doing them lead to something. I know we all want to write a novel and be famous. Who doesn’t have that dream? But I want to learn how to decorate and bake cakes like you see from Martha Stewart. I want to learn to cook so many things. Those are potentials but at the same time, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, I. Miss. Insurance.

There is never a dull day as witnessed by my experiences with a few of those back in Shreveport. But Property and Casualty isn’t what I want to specialize in. I want to work on the Marine Side or the Loss Control Side. Hey, I didn’t get my 10 hour OSHA certification for nothing you know!

So I’m conflicted. On one hand, I’m trying to look at the future and be reasonable. We would like kids one day. At this point, I’ll settle for one. But on the other hand, I really want to try something else in my life. Do I believe that I’ve found my calling? Not yet. But maybe I have and don’t realize it. Who knows?

All I know, is I need to figure out what direction and where to go, because this is getting old.

Musical Meme

Posted in MEME by Donna on February 9, 2009

Okay with the Overload on my brain from yesterday, I didn’t do the Sunday Stealing meme. Honestly, I think it would have fried my brain to do it yesterday. But as I was getting ready for bed last night, Cafe Chick had a Muscal Meme up and I said I would do it today. So here we go. If you do it, let me know!

Rules:

1. Put your iPod or iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the ‘next’ button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down – no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Tag people … you know how it works.

If someone says “are you ok”, what do you say?
Smack my Bitch up- Prodigy

How would you describe yourself?
What a Wonderful World- Michael Buble

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Touch Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me- U2

How do you feel today?
Raining on Sunday-Keith Urban

What is your life’s purpose?
The Way I Are-Timberland

What’s your motto?
I Need You-Tim McGraw with Faith Hill

What do your friends think of you?
Viva La Vida-Cold Play

What do your parents think of you?
Silence-Sarah McLachlan with Delerium

What do you think about very often?
When I Grow Up-Pussycat Dolls

What is 2 + 2?
Butterflies-Michael Jackson

What do you think of your best friend?
Trubador-George Strait

What is your life story?
Diary-Alicia Keys

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Rockstar-Nickelback

What do you think when you see the person you like?
Seven Nation Army-White Stripes

What will you dance to at your wedding?
The Road I’m On-3 Doors Down

What will they play at your funeral?
Wishlist-Pearl Jam

What is your hobby/interest?
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol

What is your biggest fear?
99 Problems-Jay Z

What is your biggest secret?
Believe-Staind

What do you want to do right now?
With or Without You- U2

What do you think of your friends?
Everything-Lifehouse

Overloaded

Posted in Thoughts by Donna on February 8, 2009

My brain has been on over load lately. It’s been to a point where it’s hard to post something because of all that is going on in my brain. I mean literally, I’m exhausted from thinking. This weekend was nice sort of. We had dinner with Brian and Amy last night and then tonight went over to Katy and Jeremy’s for a while with Ryan. But the whole way home, my brain worked and worked.

And I’m tired. It didn’t help that D and I had sort of a spat today. I’ve seriously been thinking about things and I know we have things to work on. I know we do. And I pointed that out today. Which led in it’s own way to a sort of spat and we had to drop it and agree to come back to it later. I hate doing that! But at least when we got home from tonight we made the agreement that we would have all of our plans hammered out by Valentines Day. I want us to have a plan to work on things, a plan to figure out what we’re doing and a plan that we can work on for the next 5 years.

Tomorrow starts back the job hunting and I feel a little better since I have gotten my resume to a friend of Judy’s who is passing it on for me. I’m also going to check into what magazine companies are here along with publishing companies and such to see what the deal is with that. Friday my horoscope said I was one idea away from the big one. Well that’s sort of paraphrasing it but that’s the gist.

So how has your week been? What do you have planned for this week?

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