Discovering Donna

Does it ever really go away?

Posted in Daddy by Donna on February 26, 2009

pondsizedSo earlier in the week, Monday to be exact, we had an anniversary of sorts.  It was a year since Gram had passed.  Before that, in November, my best friend JoAnn had her one year anniversary since her father passed.  Today is the 6 year anniversary since my father passed.  They are all very different in circumstances.  Gram had cancer, Jo’s dad passed suddenly and the true circumstances of everything leading up to it won’t be known I’m sure.  Daddy was in bad health, had always been in bad health.

They are all sad and tragic losses that we most certainly could have gone a few more years without.  But they all had lessons in them.  What they are, what they might be, they are private.  Intended only for those they are meant.  I’ve a always wondered does it get easier?  Does the sense of loss go away, do we hurt less?  It does get easier, in a sense.  The extreme heartbrokenness is gone.  There is just a saddness that lingers.  The sense of loss is always there and althought I don’t cry every time I think about my father’s passing, I still feel the loss and do cry and privately mourn those special days.

I’m speaking from the experience of losing my father.  I didn’t know Jo’s dad except what she told me about him.  Gram was special but at the time, we were living 2500 miles away and weren’t here for everything.  We were here to say our goodbyes about a month before she passed.  The few times that we say her, were special in their own right.  I wish I could have been around her more.  I love and cherish all those few moments that we had.

But my dad is different.  I guess that’s because I lived it.  I was there.  I took care of him as best I could.  I never wanted to think in terms of him dying even though he told me it would happen.  I don’t think we ever thought that it would happen when it did.  It was a shock.  I won’t go into details.  Not here.  But I’m not afraid to vent my feelings.  Maybe this is my way dealing with it.

I’m sad that he didn’t make it 5 more years to see me get married.  I’m sad that he’s not going to be around when I have a child.  I’m sad that he didn’t get to see a lot of things that he wanted to see.  I’m sad that he didn’t get to do a lot of things he wanted.  We had our moments just like any other father /daughter do.  That’s no secret.  But I loved him and he loved me.

I’m mad when I think about my brother(s).  It was two at the time.  How I called to ask for help and was told that it was putting an inconvience on them.  How petty they were.  I know it’s ugly to say this, but I hope they feel remorse for the rest of their lives.  Well life.  Larry passed away a year ago.  I won’t go there.  I’ve tried to make my peace with the situation, if not the people.  I’ve tried to deal with the fact that they came because they thought daddy would leave them money.  I’ve tried to deal with the fact that my brother is so pissed that daddy left me the guitar that he cherished and prized.  I’ve tried to deal with the fact that my brothers forgot about me and didn’t bother trying to get in contact with me for well over 5 years.  And then it was only to say he wanted the guitar and he was upset because I didn’t contact him.  WTF?  That works both ways.  If you wanted to find out, why didn’t you call?

I know I have my own issues to work out and I haven’t dealt with some of them.  I know it.  I scold myself for being such a ‘fraidy cat at dealing with them.  Pushing them aside so that I don’t have to think about them or deal with them.  I have some of the same issues with my mom.  It’s been 29 years since I’ve seen my mom.  But that’s another story for another time.

Does IT ever really go away?  What exactly is IT?  What am I looking for?  What am I trying to grasp at?  What am I trying to deal with?  And who determines what IT is?

I just know today, I’m sad.  Today I remember.  Today I am missing my father.  Today I am missing moments like this……



3 Responses to 'Does it ever really go away?'

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  1. Finn said,

    I don’t think it does. Not completely. The intensity fades though.

  2. LarryLily said,

    In a period of 5 years I lost my only daughter, then my father, my wife, then my mother.

    Having lost my daughter first sort of preparred me mentally for the others that followed, since hers was the most gut ripping, painful self debilitating loss a person could ever feel. The others paled in their impact. But still, each one has a place that remains unfilled.

    Losing each brought home a little saying I heard many years ago and its true I will attest to.

    “Loose your parents, you loose your past,
    Loose your spouse you loose your present, but
    Loose your child, you loose your future.”

    It does get better, now some 15 years after my daughters death, longer than she was alive, she is still there, but she is not.

  3. Donna said,

    *hugs* to you both!

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