Discovering Donna


Does it ever really go away?

Posted in Daddy by Donna on February 26, 2009

pondsizedSo earlier in the week, Monday to be exact, we had an anniversary of sorts.  It was a year since Gram had passed.  Before that, in November, my best friend JoAnn had her one year anniversary since her father passed.  Today is the 6 year anniversary since my father passed.  They are all very different in circumstances.  Gram had cancer, Jo’s dad passed suddenly and the true circumstances of everything leading up to it won’t be known I’m sure.  Daddy was in bad health, had always been in bad health.

They are all sad and tragic losses that we most certainly could have gone a few more years without.  But they all had lessons in them.  What they are, what they might be, they are private.  Intended only for those they are meant.  I’ve a always wondered does it get easier?  Does the sense of loss go away, do we hurt less?  It does get easier, in a sense.  The extreme heartbrokenness is gone.  There is just a saddness that lingers.  The sense of loss is always there and althought I don’t cry every time I think about my father’s passing, I still feel the loss and do cry and privately mourn those special days.

I’m speaking from the experience of losing my father.  I didn’t know Jo’s dad except what she told me about him.  Gram was special but at the time, we were living 2500 miles away and weren’t here for everything.  We were here to say our goodbyes about a month before she passed.  The few times that we say her, were special in their own right.  I wish I could have been around her more.  I love and cherish all those few moments that we had.

But my dad is different.  I guess that’s because I lived it.  I was there.  I took care of him as best I could.  I never wanted to think in terms of him dying even though he told me it would happen.  I don’t think we ever thought that it would happen when it did.  It was a shock.  I won’t go into details.  Not here.  But I’m not afraid to vent my feelings.  Maybe this is my way dealing with it.

I’m sad that he didn’t make it 5 more years to see me get married.  I’m sad that he’s not going to be around when I have a child.  I’m sad that he didn’t get to see a lot of things that he wanted to see.  I’m sad that he didn’t get to do a lot of things he wanted.  We had our moments just like any other father /daughter do.  That’s no secret.  But I loved him and he loved me.

I’m mad when I think about my brother(s).  It was two at the time.  How I called to ask for help and was told that it was putting an inconvience on them.  How petty they were.  I know it’s ugly to say this, but I hope they feel remorse for the rest of their lives.  Well life.  Larry passed away a year ago.  I won’t go there.  I’ve tried to make my peace with the situation, if not the people.  I’ve tried to deal with the fact that they came because they thought daddy would leave them money.  I’ve tried to deal with the fact that my brother is so pissed that daddy left me the guitar that he cherished and prized.  I’ve tried to deal with the fact that my brothers forgot about me and didn’t bother trying to get in contact with me for well over 5 years.  And then it was only to say he wanted the guitar and he was upset because I didn’t contact him.  WTF?  That works both ways.  If you wanted to find out, why didn’t you call?

I know I have my own issues to work out and I haven’t dealt with some of them.  I know it.  I scold myself for being such a ‘fraidy cat at dealing with them.  Pushing them aside so that I don’t have to think about them or deal with them.  I have some of the same issues with my mom.  It’s been 29 years since I’ve seen my mom.  But that’s another story for another time.

Does IT ever really go away?  What exactly is IT?  What am I looking for?  What am I trying to grasp at?  What am I trying to deal with?  And who determines what IT is?

I just know today, I’m sad.  Today I remember.  Today I am missing my father.  Today I am missing moments like this……

daddysized

Dear Daddy,

Posted in 101,Daddy by Donna on December 27, 2008
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I’ve been putting this off for a while now. You know I put it on my list of things to do that I wanted to write you this letter. I thought about putting it in a bottle and setting it out to sea. You know, kill two birds with one stone. But each time, I’ve decided against it. I thought about writing it and then taking with me when I got your stone mounted and then burning it and putting the ashes across your small plot between the girls. I’ve thought of a ton of ways to send this. But I know no matter what, no matter how I do this, you are going to see it. Maybe this will help someone who I am thinking of be able to sit down and write her father a much needed letter and get some things off her chest. Goodness knows we can both benefit from getting somethings off our chests.

I miss you. I’m sure that you know that. I’m sure you can see from where you are that I have missed you every day for the last almost 6 years now. Remember all those opinions you always gave so freely that I didn’t always listen to? They would have come in handy. But I hope you are proud. I hope I’ve at least turned out a little bit better than you hoped. I hope you know that the time you were sick and my being there to help take care of you that I don’t regret it. I certainly wish things could have been different. But you know, Robert Dale and I had the conversation that knowing what I know would I really consider going back and changing things. The answer is the same as it was the night of your viewing.

No I wouldn’t. It all would have lead to the same ending, your passing, but just in a different way. I know it was your time. I know you accomplished all you had meant to do. It still doesn’t help.

I know you wanted Kenny and Larry and I to be closer but it wasn’t possible. I don’t think they cared enough and after having my issues with it, I’m almost at ok with it. I regret that they can’t see me know, they can’t know their baby sister because of their own issues. Well, you know Larry passed. So it’s just me and Kenny now. I haven’t heard from him since we wrote me that letter trying to get the guitar. His loss.

It’s certainly different now. I did get to move to Shreveport. Something you had always wanted to do. 5 really awesome years. Mavis and Pappy adopted me and they’re wonderful, but I think you knew that. I got married, well you know that. We have our ups and downs but we’re making it right now. We moved to California and it’s been an adventure for the most part. I think we’re going to be fine once we get through some issues. But we’re working on that.

I’ve decided to start working on my writing. Not sure where it’s going to go. But I’ve also discovered a creative side that I didn’t know existed. I’ve been having fun with that. I even managed to make you a scrapbook. Now did you think I’d ever be that creative??? Not I.

Everyone is doing good for the most part. Lori has a baby now and Daniel has one on the way. Maybe once I lose some of this weight, things will work out for us and we’ll end up having one. Life goes on right?

It doesn’t diminish the fact that I miss you and love you. I always wonder if you are proud of the woman I’ve become. I struggled for the longest time with a huge hole trying to figure out if I told you I loved you that last night. I was so proud of the fact that you were on the couch and not in that bed that I couldn’t remember. Thanks for letting me know. You have no idea how much that meant to me that you could let me know that I did tell you I love you.

I’m droning on I know. I can’t help it. I could go for ages and ages on stuff after all it’s been 6 years. But I’m not going to. I just wanted you to know a few things and get a few things off my chest.

I know we didn’t have the greatest relationship, but at least we loved each other and we knew that. I couldn’t help feeling good when you told everyone that I was the child that helped take care of you. I was proud that you were proud. Maybe that’s your legacy. I know in some little way that I did make you proud. Granted we all have our share of mistakes but that’s just another chance to learn it and do it right huh?!

Ok, I’m signing off. My broken ankle is swollen and pushing on this post it yellow cast. (you like the color huh??) You’re stubborn and pigheaded child is giving them hell for this broken ankle. But you wouldn’t expect anything less would you? I mean I did get the stubborn and pigheadedness from you. Well you and mamaw. Guess it just runs on that side right?

Oh well, I love and miss you (I can’t say that enough) and know that we’ll talk again. I’m sure I’ll end up writing another letter before it’s over with.

Until then,

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Talents

Posted in Daddy,talents by Donna on September 12, 2008

So on our way to visit Lori, Corban, Eric and Pennydog in Austin or was it on the way home, Mom asked, if we could pick one talent what would it be? I really didn’t have to think about mine much. But as I thought about it longer, I had to really dig down and look at why I said it with no hesitation. First off I guess I should mention what I said.

My talent to pick was playing the guitar.

Now why? I can remember thinking this way too “boyish” when my dad said he wanted me to learn to do it. Once again, another instance of not listening to my father. WOW. Here we go again. Another instance of me being stubborn and pighead with a suggestion my father gave me.

But when I think about it, here is what I give as my reason for learning. It wasn’t because it was something that my father wanted me to do when I was younger. It was because of what he left me.

He left me a beautiful mint condition guitar that was his prized possession. I won’t say who old the guitar is but let’s just say that it is old enough to be my father. I can’t play it. And this makes me sad. I have a beautiful link to my father that is sitting in a case in a closet at Mom and Pappy’s house. Usually only taken out if Pappy takes it out and plays it.

Did my father want that of his beloved guitar? No he did not. I know he didn’t because he would take it out and play it as often as he felt like it. Granted he didn’t feel like doing it much before he died but he still did play it some.

And it has been a source of conflict. A huge one. You see my oldest half brother feels like it’s his because when he was 3 daddy told him he could have it when he grew up. But as we grow up things change. Daddy left it to me because he knew I was the only child who would take care of it. And it’s been a source of anger for me since Daddy passed away 5 years ago. Because of my brother feeling like he has a 1 track mind. I think I blogged about it on my live journal when I was keeping it up and got out a lot of frustrations with it. I wrote my brother a letter no holds barred and told him how I felt.

Yes I still have some anger and I do at times wish that it would go away. I wish that I could get over it. I even try to dig down and get over it. I struggle with that so much it’s not funny.

But now there is a new struggle that is slowly taking place of the anger. I can see that as I’m thinking and typing this entry. It’s a struggle with myself because I haven’t done something I know my father would have wanted me to. So maybe it’s time to look into lessons or figure out how to do it on my own.

I wish that Pappy would do it.

I wish my father was around to do it. I miss him in times like these.